Trigger warning: depression, hopelessness

I don’t want to write too much, because I’m really not feeling good right now. I’m 32, and have Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is a debilitating social anxiety, and have dealt with extreme loneliness, self-hatred, and jealousy toward more socially inclined people for over 15 years.

I have never been on a date, I have never had sex, I have never kissed. Do you know how it feels to have less relationship experience than your average U.S. high school student, to feel like a pathetic piece of shit every single day? AvPD might be for you if you want to.

I have one online friend, and a brother I live with, but I have no in-person friends, and haven’t been part of a friend group in a decade. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to meet people.

To top this off, I am recently out of an online relationship with someone who I gave my entire life savings to help, over $20,000, who turned around and blocked me because I’m hard to deal with. I spent the entire relationship thinking they were scammers, and am still not unconvinced, but either way, I’m down to nothing now.

I have a job, I’ll get back there again, but all my life is work and being home, and I am so, so tired of a ‘life’ where no one cares about me, no one had ever shown interest in me, and now I have no money at all, and am just as pathetic as I’ve always been, and I’m hopeless.