i have been powering through a basic level book and a stupid, low stakes manga to start reading but its not at all relaxing to me. to me its an Activity. my only actual method of rest is scrolling on the phone. hobby doesnt relax me just another thing to do. right now my hands itch for insta reels (im on my laptop). i badly want to read more but i just cannot. it exhausts me. other than scrolling, my only other ”rest” is listening to music and cleaning around. everything else is Activity that requires Energy. i cant relate to people who read to relax. i feel intellectually inferior and i try to power through because i know its good for you. sometimes i consider just accepting that i am what i am (certified Intellectually Disabled) and just giving up. just be a stupid simpleton, nothing else just consume consume consume, scream when im hungry and do nothing. i wish i could forget how to read and speak all together.
getting into literature, art, or music can often be unpleasant at first. the important thing is to muster sufficient internal discipline to keep powering through it, even despite the initial lack of enjoyment.
what you’re essentially doing is re-training your brain to act the way you want, and not the way it’s used to, similar to how one may train one’s muscles in order to prevent atrophy. and, similarly to physical training, it can sadly indeed be annoying or even painful at first.