This.

Got any good alternatives?

Ripuarian franconian (i.e. west german around Cologne) does in fact have tones. I do sort of notice them, but i couldn’t name you an example of tonally differentiable homophones.

Sadly the only sources i could find are in german, but you can use google translate on them:

https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ripuarische_Dialekte https://www.regionalgeschichte.net/hunsrueck/sprache/hunsruecker-platt/10-sprachlaute-und-tonakzente/101-tonakzente.html

Hulk. Hulk has a PhD in nuclear physics.

This thing is hilarious! German bureaucrats trying to describe american subculture. Where do you find such treasures?