incredible news. i am saddened for everyone lost during the last 44 years.

i mostly visit the RateYourMusic and AlbumOfTheYear charts and occasionally i’ll check out the last.fm profiles of users i find interesting. basically, i treat music like a hobby but i do so because i desire that kind of connection. i love music so i devote a lot of time to it. i have pro accounts on all three places. luckily they are relatively affordable. i think last.fm is $3 a month lol. but yeah, i’d say if you are unfamiliar with RYM or AOTY then maybe check one out.

edit: in case you’re not familiar, all of those mentioned are music cataloging websites that you can create customized profiles on. last.fm will import your listening history and you can track your habits in real time. it’s good for finding your stats.

we found the main character

i truly don’t think anyone understands how miserable i find living to be. i genuinely believe existence to be a cruel prank being played on me. i did not consent to exist and i wouldn’t have chosen to if somehow there was a me to make that decision. if i could press a button and poof out of existence and the memories of those who knew me i would do it without hesitation. the second arrow is not a disproportionate reaction to the first because the first came from a person who actively wants me dead. when i feel the pain of being dehumanized by the state (taking away my benefits; denying me assistance) and/or those around me (voters who think i am scum), the recognizing of that fact is what causes the second arrow to land and cause even more suffering. but that is just me understanding that these people are impacting my actual life and so i am trying to understand what my future risks are like. i need to look ahead, i need to catastrophize because they are constantly working to take away everything i have and need. my second arrow isn’t some kind of pity party or anxious response or depressive episode; my second arrow is me going “fuck they are trying to harm me and i need to be aware and prepared.” idk it feels different here, i don’t think i see it the same.

unfortunately i have already went through filing for federal disability. i could not meet their requirements.

not really, unfortunately. i live in a small-sized city (50-60k residents) near two bigger ones, so while we have a decent amount of resources there isn’t much specific to what i need. and i don’t have many local friends either. i do live with my partner and his mother, so i am fortunate there.

the thing is, it does let me support myself. i cannot hold down a job. i have severe mental illness that has interfered for my almost twenty year work history and being able to take care of myself has proved difficult without financial stability. this job, somehow, has what i need to be able to function. i’ve never had this before. i can’t let this one go. i just got it a few months ago.

while the medication i’m on will prevent my life from being shortened by my disease, it isn’t a death sentence when i go off it. it feels like i am trading 15-25 years of my life for being able to work. some would call that reasonable and “a part of life.”

i’ll be honest that makes me nervous but yeah i would be willing.

i am extremely hesitant to share any support links out of fear i will be viewed suspiciously. i am hyper aware of how my behaviors are seen and interpreted. but i appreciate it, truly.

respectfully, i see it differently than you. regardless of the fact that we’ve never had direct democracy, erosions to our democratic elections have been building for decades upon decades. the power imbalance created by the obscenely wealthy has established an oligarchy that has successfully infiltrated all facets of our government and private tech sector. i hate sounding alarmist but not enough people are talking about Peter Thiel and while yes, Trump is a primary threat, I think Peter Thiel might be the Biblical devil and i’m an atheist.

i have done all i can to reduce the cost, yes. this is the lowest i can go as i am buying directly from the manufacturer who is already offering a reduced cost.

marching isn’t going to do anything, and neither are protests or peaceful demonstrations. we should be far beyond that as a people. i believe that is our only true way forward. i don’t see it happening.

some of us experience negative events routinely. people call it “bad luck” but that implies some kind of superstition. i don’t have bad luck. however, it appears i statistically experience negative outcomes far more frequently than people i personally know. it has to happen to somebody. our outcomes exist on a gradient of two probable states; positive or negative, so when you physically “do something” you become your own tool of measurement by interacting with your surrounding environment. you then “record” the outcome observed in our universe through your action: positive or negative. see? no luck. it’s just math and shit.

my point is, i am what i am going to describe as quantum unlucky. i don’t understand it and it just is what it is, but i am fucking cursed by this universe to experience the shittiest shit as a dumb American. i am beyond exhausted. i cannot convince myself to stay here any longer. i merely exist because i am too afraid to end it. it isn’t necessarily the fascists that would do me in, because i have had a life of misery before i became aware of their existence, but they certainly have made everything more bleak.

i have $0 money saved and struggle to keep money past five days of each paycheck. i am supporting myself and my partner on one income in the non-profit sector (meaning i’m even more underpaid than usual). i can’t move at the moment, but even if i could, the job i have right now is ideal and i would prefer to keep it. i have struggled my entire life to find a job i could be stable in, so this is exceptionally rare for me.

i don’t want to be here anymore. it’s been 35 years of torture and torment and fascists are winning. i’m tired. life isn’t precious, there’s no meaning, so let me fucking end my own story.

it’s alright, everyone is going to get their wish and there will be one less broken trans person in the world once i work up the courage to end it. shit like this helps. just pushes me closer.

informal contractions are simply informal just because. there’s no real reason to consider them informal or not standard other than arbitrary rules.

“You shouldn’t’ve done that.” “It couldn’t’ve been him!” “I might’ve done that if you asked.”

while you’re not wrong i do want to reiterate that mRNA vaccines are likely going to be how we treat and cure cancers so there is precedent at least for this to be massive news. if not this there will likely be a real announcement one day.

oh they hate when you say that there lmao

ah see, thanks. i need to catch up then. i was hoping to be wrong about the direction of their reactions but you are pointing out my worries coming true. “idk i’m seeing some vicious anger that appears to imply their focus on pedophilia overrides their allegiance to Trump,” i thought. lol. welp. i guess we’ll see but now i’m back to where i was.