Every single person I know well has a double standard for something. Such as “I don’t need to improve my driving but everyone else sure does” or a “do as I say not as I do” rule, etc. Though certainly some more than other. This leads me to believe all people do it in some way.
Is it simply human nature?
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.”
― Stephen M.R. Coveythe element that is missed here is that people judge you via their interpretation of your behavior.
two different folks can see the same action in completely different ways, based on their psychology and their cultural expectations. what’s horrible rude to one person, might be a compliment to another.
Fun fact no one other than you can know your intentions.
If you never check in and see if your actions align with your intentions you delulu kachow 👉💨
He’s right, but I’m sure there are better people to quote on the subject
I’ve only heard the quote, never the attribution. I looked the quote up to attribute it, but I really don’t know who Stephen is. Hopefully not someone too horrible…?
Yes, I believe it is. I think everyone is a bit of a hypocrite by default and we all ought to strive to apply the same rules to ourselves as we do to others
Oi boy!
The very short answer is: yes. Usually it’s called psychological biases and literally everyone has them - even people who are studying them daily, to be very clear. They just become way more self aware.
The reason is simple: our brains are gooey, bad calculators - but awesome pattern recognizers. Even if there are no patterns.
This leads to things we observe to be “clear” to us - but our own behavior needs a lot of mental effort to be observed by one self.
Just think about a normal dialogue and try to think about your body language, tone of voice, body odor, social appearance and all the other micro information you’re sending out - while talking.
It’s less about a double standard and more about what we evaluate about ourselves ehwne not investing additional effort.
Have you ever met someone like the people you want everyone to act like? I have. Many times. They are usually either SUPER neurotic or very rigid and extremely unforgiving of themselves when they don’t meet their own standards. Everyone bitches about them or pathologizes them. So no it’s not human nature because humans are not a monolith with default behaviors.
Likely. Some people do it massively while others minorly. Im sure there are a few things im a hypocrite on but I can’t recall them atm. The old do as I say not as I do thing.
The driving one is called the Lake Wobegon Effect. When everybody rates themselves as above-average at something, like driving, that’s definitionally impossible. The name comes from the segment, the News from Lake Wobegon, on the radio show A Prairie Home Companion, which Garrison Keillor would always sign off, “That’s the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”
But yes, it’s so common that the phenomenon has a name.
Yeah but I know I suck. And I’m still better than the lady doing 25 in the lane next to the fast lane of a 10 lane freeway. .
If there were no double standards then there would be no standards at all
Absolutely, yes.
Read this in Subliminal by Leonard Mlodinow: human brains are biased towards optimism, but also, to value own decisions above others’. Baggage from thousands of years ago, but it’s there.
We judge Ourselves by our Intentions
We judge Others by their Actions/Choices/Results
Everyone will be a hypocrite eventually, it’s the ones that don’t care about hypocrisy that you want to stay away from.
some folks openly embrace it and see absolutely nothing wrong with it in themselves, because they are special.
I meet a lot of people who want an honest relationship, but also date around a lot while looking and will go on dates with several other people while still trying things with someone else and that never made sense to me. If you’re looking for an honest, monogamous relationship it makes more sense to me to try dating 1 person at a time. If they are worth a 2nd date id say they are worth giving a fair shot and not seeing 3 other people on first dates before that 2nd date ever happens.
In my experience I’m the weird one for this view and most people tend to date and sleep around until a commited relationship starts out of that mess and one party puts their foot down on the other seeing other people for dates.
dating isn’t being being in a relationship. you date until you find someone you want to be in a relationship with.
they are two separate states.
yes, its true that some people basically expect some magical force to compel them into monogamy… but it has to be a deliberate choice and folks often use this as an excuse to basically never ‘settle’. but that’s a separate issue.
plus lots of people you meet may be fun to date and sleep with, but you’d never want to commit to or become emotionally involved because they are trainwrecks. further, having dated a lot, A LOT of people personality flip when they are in a committed relationship, basically they are on good behavior until you commit to them, then they feel like they can start acting like a total asshole. I’ve encountered that dozens of times. and of course if you break up with them while they do this… they lose their shit at you and feel ‘used’. etc.
Some folks don’t know they do this, others do and straight up own up to it, but they see nothing wrong with it because they see relationships as ends justifies the means.
See thats what i don’t get. I don’t want to date or sleep around without an emotional attachment and a certain level of trust. Like if my genitials are going inside someone i gotta be able to trust them. I have very little sexual desire to someone I’m not romantically/emotionally attracted to. We have to be able to have conversations about safe sex and what to do if an “accident” happens.
I also don’t get how you can manage seeing multiple people on multiple dates. When i get a crush thats the only person i want to think about. Even if I had a date with another girl thats my type, the first girl being on my mind would rob my attention from the other date and i feel like its not always a fair mindset for me. As i said I know I’m the weird one here but its just never made sense to me.
If i like someone enough for a 2nd date I have no interest in seeing others. At that point i wouldn’t consider it a relationship but both parties giving each other a fair shot by not going on other dates seems like a reasonable level of commitment for someone you’re fond of. I just think the mindset of “maybe I’ll like the next one more than this one” isn’t helpful and could be a red flag, what if that kind of behavior never stops and they are constantly on dating apps waiting for something better to come along?
Other people aren’t you. They don’t think or feel like you do, and they don’t value the things you value. It’s that simple. You think sex is about trust, other folks don’t. I’ve met a ladies who get offended if you don’t try to fuck them within an hour or two of meeting them. And ones who claim they only want casual, but then they basically want to be your girlfriend, etc.
People lie a lot. Especially to themselves. For a lot of folks, dating is not about love and trust and all that. It’s much more shallow and it’s just about immediate gratification and pleasure. And they don’t care. You can’t reason them out of something that is purely emotional, all they care abut is how they feel in the moment. Hence why cheating to them is totally justified, for example.
My problem is i keep going on dates that turn into relationships without the title, i pay for dates, fix their car, help around their house and they act all cute and loving until you want to make it monogamous and suddenly its “oh i don’t really like you like that” or “really i can’t be in a relationship right now” etc. So I’ve changed my strategy to try to find people with the goal of eventually being in a relationship from the start.
I have a better solution for you, just tell these people ‘no’ when they start making their requests for help or paying for stuff. If they like you, they will respect that, if they don’t and flip out, they don’t like you. That is what I do no, and it basically means things end now after a month or two, and I"m not wasting months/years of my life anyone with someone who basically only wants to date me to treat me like shit.
Lots of people are more than happy to date someone they don’t like to get stuff from them. The folks you dated never liked you, they just saw you as a resource to use until someone they do like comes along. Hence why when you tried you date them for real, they bailed.
Just be grateful they bailed and didn’t keep seeing you and cheating on you while doing so. They at least respected you enough to not fuck you over like that!
also don’t go on expensive dates or pay for dates until you have an established mutual interest. i never go out for more than a coffee or drink, and they won’t get dinner or a proper date until we have gotten physical and established legit interest. and if she refuses this, and basically demands you buy her something nice for a date, you already know who she is and what she is looking for and that you are wasting your time.
Helping people is in my nature. My current crush i took her on a date, she was flirty over text, happily let me pay, mentioned she was impressed i offered to pick her up. After the date i was working up the courage to find a kiss so i decided to ask if she was seeing someone. She said “idk maybe” and proceeded to describe some fling she was in.
I decided not to get physical, fixed a lawnmower she was complaining about and now im trying for a second date to see if shes gonna be single now or what. Shes still texting me after the lawnmower ran so im happy i didn’t get ghosted but thats the end of the free trial. If she doesn’t wanna date, no more stuff is getting fixed for free. If the women don’t find you handsome, they sure should find you handy, I’m hoping for one that finds me both.
Ngl I’m a bit old school and usually i like to go on 3 dates before getting intimate. Partially because i want a relationship not just sex so thats part of my process. If we can’t enjoy a dinner without banging after, then we probably don’t actually like each other that much.
dude, you are setting yourself up to be abused by a miserable and manipulative women.
stop helping people who won’t ever help you back.
Oh! Oh! Another good one to know is the Fundamental Attribution Error. That’s the double standard whereby people explain their own behavior in terms of extrinsic influences and pressures on themselves, so that even if they do bad things, it’s not their own fault. They had little choice, you see. But, in contrast, we can’t see the extrinsic influences and pressures on other people, so we explain their bad behavior as the result of intrinsic factors, i.e. they’re bad people.
My favorite one of these is when people lie to me and tell me it’s because of systematic oppression FORCED them to lie to me… lol
but if I lie, as I am not systematically oppressed, then it’s bad and wrong.
Well, that explains a lot about why everyone gets all up in arms when you judge others by the same standards you use for yourself. Surely, I’m the only victim of the system, right? It was specifically designed to hold me down.
Standards:
Do they taste good
Can I eat themYeah, it’s probs a good thing in my case
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Hopelessly true for the general population, but I’ve overcome it through self-examination and reflection because I’m special.
bro that sounds cringe
That’s sarcasm, it’s a joke on themselves
The highest standard is the standard we hold others to. I try holding myself to the same standard, and continually fall short. Teaches a hell of a lot of empathy and humility though
