I think my depression is getting worse. I suffered a humiliating rejection recently. Took time off work, paid a bunch of money to travel across the country to meet a woman whom I thought was going to be my next wife. We had talked for months, some really deep stuff, we seemed like a perfect match. I get there, and she reveals that actually, she has 4 kids, two different dead-beat baby-daddies, and chlamydia.

I took PTO. Week off work. over a thousand dollars on air travel, lodging, and a rental car.

It’s been a few weeks and I still feel awful. The other day in my sacred space, the gym, I thought about killing myself when I should have been at the height of an exercise-induced dopamine rush.

This is my favorite time of the year, fall, Halloween, candy. But I can’t enjoy any of it. The only feeling I have is dread. For another holiday season, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, all spent alone. If I make it to next year it’ll be a miracle. I think I need to find a good in-person AA meeting or something.