As a straight man, every straight man I’ve ever been friends with has eventually simply made me so tired to be around them.
Like, times are hard. But then we just collectively… have unmet needs, and so many of us deal so badly with them. It just seems like straight men inevitably make it everyone else’s problem.
I have heard the same old thing so many times-- to have a friend, be a friend. Reach out. Listen, be empathetic, blah blah blah. And I wind up hanging out with some douchebag thinking to myself why am I in the same room with this fucking guy. Before I know it he’s drunk or desperate for a long, long hug from being so touch starved, or he lets his guard down and casually says some slur. I don’t have the patience to be friends with straight men. I don’t have the patience to start to try.
You gotta meet some other straight men, maybe younger. But for your own sake don’t settle on this way of thinking.
This is a really unhealthy worldview to carry around about cis men.
You gotta meet some other straight men, maybe younger. But for your own sake don’t settle on this way of thinking.
Unfortunately, for myself, I’ve been burned nearly every time there. Not ruling out the possibility of friendship with cis/het men but, I’ve got too much of my own shit to deal with, making my patience for problematic behavior or taking on someone else’s emotional load pretty low.
This is a really unhealthy worldview to carry around about cis men.
Unfortunately, it is in part a reality. Not that it’s the fault of cis/het men that society has willfully and unconscionably failed them, but, in general, cis/het men need a lot of growth and personal development that they often are not aware of.
This has also been my experience. Then again, I always had problems dealing with mainstream straight guys, even as a kid. Growing up with untreated AuADHD and being a massive nerd really didn’t make things easy. As an adult, it’s been really hard to find friends in my own gender/orientation as nearly every one of them that I come across seems to let the mask slip a bit and say or do something very problematic.
So, I decided to drop that cohort and start intentionally socializing with people in more LGBTQ-heavy spaces. It’s done wonders for the social anxiety that I developed over years of doing little but work too much. Now I’ve got some budding friendships with people from all across the LGBTQ+ rainbow and people encouraging me to be emotional vulnerabile (in a healthy way). It’s pretty fucking fantastic.
I guess the lesson to learn from this is that straight guys should go to therapy to deal with their problems (and learn more about their emotions) and seek friendship with LGBTQ+ people (and look out for and stand up for them, when they need it).
What spaces would that be? I’m in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recently, have always been the odd one out, mostly interested in nerd stuff, little energy to deal with people… I’d love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I’d prefer actual face-to-face activities)
I’m in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recent
We are in almost exactly the same boat. Didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until about 7 years ago. Then, once initial ADHD was a bit under control, the ASD side of things became more apparent.
What spaces would that be?
…
I’d love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I’d prefer actual face-to-face activities)
It really depends on your interests. I’ve had some good success with sex-positive/kink communities (still in an extended initial exploration of the latter). There’s a surprising amount of neurodiverse and wonderfully nerdy presence there as well as extraordinary levels of inclusivity. Probably the best places to go looking are event-oriented sites and apps (probably give apps by dating companies a miss).
Even if that isn’t quite your thing, I might recommend trying out “Plura” (formerly Bloom, I think), if there’s presence in your area. There are a lot of events that pop up that are not sexuality or kink related as well as, at least in my area, frequent free and reasonable cost seminars. These are often covering topics that are of potential use for neurodivergent people as well as more neurotypical people who have experienced trauma and/or, like many straight men, are not very knowledgeable/skilled with their emotions.
Sexuality and kink is right down my alley, I’m just too shy to talk about such topics with strangers. I’m gonna look into it anyway, thank you for your suggestions.
Just find a scheduled non-sexual kink event in your area (like a munch) and pregame with whatever mind altering substance improves your social anxiety enough to walk in the door. I recommend hard Arnold Palmers, since they taste good (or at least okay), contain caffeine to up your energy levels a bit, and are available at most gas stations/liquor stores.
I live near a large city so my options are quite open. I was able to find queer events within that city quite easily. Eventbrite.com has pages and pages of events available for me.
I went to a few that focused on meeting queer people. Halloween parties, board game nights, trivia. You may also find events under neurodiverse labels as well. There would definitely be some overlap with the queer community there too.
I chose a therapist that worked with queer people and people who have alternative lifestyles. She was the one who made that suggestion to me and that was probably the most helpful thing she had done for me.
Hopefully you have some luck, I imagine it would be difficult to find queer communities in less populates areas.
board game nights
My favorite events, so far. Getting to hang out with new-to-me nerds and play games that I’ve never heard of is a blast.
I chose a therapist that worked with queer people and people who have alternative lifestyles. She was the one who made that suggestion to me
Funnily enough, my therapist made similar recommendations. Having not ever fit in well with other cis/het guys, intentionally seeking out people in the queer space and those living alternate lifestyles has been a breath of fresh air.
My reasoning for seeking out that type of therapist came from a situation that happened about a couple years earlier. A former friend and coworker accidentally introduced me to a queer girl. Her and I talked a lot about mental health and became close friends over time.
My former friend was being a creep towards her and I saw how much it affected her when she came eventually forward to tell me about it. We no longer talk to him anymore. It was after both her and her partner asked me to come visit that I came to understand how caring and accepting queer people can be.
When I came back home, I realized I wanted to be treated like a unique individual just like how my friend and her partner treated me. What better place than a queer community where so many others have fought to be their own person. Especially when there’s so much social pressure to fit into a single lifeless mould.
Being surrounded by uniqueness gives so much colour to life.
The increased social isolation in our society is producing men and women who are incapable of socializing with others, especially socializing with other genders.
This is what happens when conservatives phrase every interaction children hve as sexual.
“Sex offenders are kidnapping our children!”
Now parents get CPS called on them for letting their kids be alone in public. And we forget the entire point of this scare was to attempt to make “pedophile” synonymous with “lgbtq” because we were still forcing many homosexuals to register as sex offenders.
No more getting your bikes and riding around with your friends after school. The Goonies’ parents would loose parental rights in 2025.
“The woke degenerate mob wants to make your children sympathetic to other degenerates, through comprehensive sex/gender education.”
Now teachers can’t mention the existence of lgbtq people without getting fired on the spot. They can’t teach about slavery anymore either.
Of course none of this religious, genital obsessed rhetoric helps children. It’s always been about attacking minorities while clutching pearls.
The result has been each progressive generation is less socialized, despite the world becoming a much safer place over time for children to freely move and interact in public.
Conservative ideologies produce regressive policy, and religion maintains voters for conservative ideologies.
Anecdotal but I’ve lost multiple social groups to breakups even though I was the one being abused in the majority of my relationships
Typically when this happens, there are a few reasons.
- the social group is full of trash people. This isn’t unlikely, considering they chose your abuser over you. That they no longer want to hang out with you should be counted as a win.
- They were your partner’s friends to begin with. If it’s a non-amicable breakup, of course they will choose them over you.
- You always took a back seat while your partner did all the socializing and meeting people. While you might have felt you had a connection with them, they primarily saw you as “xyz’s partner”.
Solutions:
- Stop dating abusers. If you notice abusive behavior in someone, break up with them sooner rather than later.
- Be more proactive around meeting people and fostering relationships. Go out and meet people and build your social network while you are single. When you are dating someone, continue to go out and spend time doing your own thing with your own group of friends. When you and a partner meet a new group of people, proactively introduce yourself. Actively cultivate and deepen the relationships you have with others.
- Breakups often lead to one of the ex’s not being invited around anymore. While this can be mitigated by (2), sometimes people just feel awkward about spending time around two people who have broken up. If you think this is happening, proactively reach out to the people you like in the group and see if they want to hang out independently - continuing these interactions can lead to you being invited around after everyone’s feelings of weirdness have subsided. But sometimes you will just lose a social group, and that’s okay, too. If you have been proactive about cultivating relationships, as in (2), you should have other social groups to fall back on.
Solid advice I wish someone had given me like 20 years ago 🤘
Traditional male social structures, groups, and third places have eroded.
Nowadays there are men‘s groups, which I can highly recommend to join or make one yourself.
What also works is being part of a local volunteer organization like volunteer fire brigade. Or like outdoors sports and such. Being part of a music band, orchestra, or choir is another great thing.
Local hobby groups that actually physically meet are another good choice
like 1/3 of my IRL friends have come from local TTRPG groups
Historically, men will come together only when there is a cause, otherwise they prefer the stoic life. The quiet man is not struggling to make friends. There are lonely men however. Those are the ones we need to notice and assist.
Stoic doesn’t mean isolated.
Men are human and need human connection. You’re mistaking your autism for a universal male experience.
I guess we’re both mistaken then.
Almost no one has that kind of peace nowadays, and it shows
