My old boyfriend died in 2015 (from diabetes) and I’ve been single since then. I also don’t know if I’ll like having sex or not. I am sexually attracted to men/am straight but I don’t know. It’s like the idea of someone doing that to me, I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
It sounds like you’re suffering from depressive issues. Everyone deserves love and nearly everyone is sexually attractive to at least someone. With roughly 4 billion potential mates (give or take a few hundred million), you have what is honestly near infinite possibilities for finding someone who loves you for who you are.
However, it might help to get help for the depression first. Anyway, everyone deserves love and to be desired. That includes you.
You have been single for ten years, it’s time to free yourself and at least try to find someone. As someone else who is single and also struggles with depression and self-image issues, I wish you all the best.
It’s not depression it’s more like… “am I a good or a bad person” “I’m bad” “okay maybe I’m good” “no, I’m bad” “am I mature enough to handle this I’m immature” “no I’m mature” “no I’m immature I can’t handle a relationship” “I’m lonely I need someone” “no I don’t need someone, I don’t deserve someone” “everyone’s better than me” stuff like that in rapid succession, constantly alternating as an inner voice kind of thing
That’s… Depression.
However, I am not a psychologist. Either way, those are not healthy thinking patterns and you should probably see a therapist to find out in more detail what is happening in your own mind before jumping to a relationship. Mostly because those kind of thoughts aren’t going to magically stop once you’re in a relationship, you’ll just be doing the same thing… just with a partner, who may well be understandably confused and hurt by such thinking.
I strongly suggest finding a therapist you like and trust… and I understand that’s not always easy. It’s definitely easier said than done.
To me it sounds like something other than depression, however it doesn’t matter because you are clearly right, these are extremely unhealthy thinking patterns and it is a symptom of maybe bigger issues you need to address.
And it is true, everyone deserves love and there’s nothing about you that makes you categorically undesirable. Just some things specific people like or don’t like about you.
You should consider talking to a therapist, or at least someone who is not involved with you day-to-day but understands you. Having someone reality check your thoughts, especially those ones, can be extremely helpful to get a better frame of reference against those toxic thoughts, that are often times not rooted in reality.g
