And never will

The trauma that’s objectively had the largest impact on my life, though I had no idea until well into adulthood, is one that I want no apology for, nor would it in any way be helpful for my mental health nor physical freedom. Unfortunately, the wounds caused to my neurological pathways are too fundamental to “heal” but learning more about my thought processes and building healthy coping strategies to compensate for unhelpful instincts helps.

The meme is a lovely thought though and I genuinely hope that it applies in a straightforward way to the majority of people.

I got an apology once! Lesson at the end, read on.

Had been dating this beautiful young woman for a month, think Trinity from The Matrix. Man I felt lucky! She invited me to a party at her apartment, first time I met anyone she knew. Showed up and got the cold shoulder, “oh… hi…”, wouldn’t speak to me, didn’t even introduce me around. I’m social enough to try to fit in anyway, her friends were nice enough, but my pride saw me to the door pretty quick. Whatever the hell went wrong, I’m wasn’t standing around for it. Second it latched, she yells, “Thank god! I thought he’d never leave!”

The humiliation burnt like fire. 25-years later and I still remember that concrete apartment hallway, head hung in shame. I’d rather take an ass beating.

So out of nowhere! Last time I was in her apartment she was thirsty as hell, only reason we didn’t have sex was lacking a condom. Guess she was ashamed of me in front of her friends? Didn’t feel much out of place regarding looks, socioeconomic status, whatever. Just wasn’t good enough to be shown off in public. Maybe she was slumming.

Few years later my best friend and I are working our first IT gig in downtown Tulsa. We saw each other across the street, she immediately stubbed her cigarette, marched straight up to us and gave me the most heartfelt apology I’ve ever received. No excuses, no explanations, undistilled regret, acknowledging how badly she hurt me and that I didn’t deserve what she had done. And I forgave her unconditionally.

Here endeth the lesson: If someone’s hurt you, and you’ve never seen them again, they might just be sitting on a festering pile of guilt. In the end, she suffered more than I did. I got to go home, get drunk, get over it, don’t even remember her name. She carried that boiling shame for years.

Funny note I thought on later. She was an alcoholic and I think she was on Step 9, apologizing to people her addiction had hurt. And that takes nothing away from her bravery.

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I have my own trauma, and trauma I may have unintentionally caused. I’m not perfect, so I strive to be better than I was the day before. Really the only way any of us can improve is taking it a day at a time.

❤