edit: the date isn’t happening anymore. he texted me asking if we could change the venue as he realized he can’t really afford that restaurant at the moment (???, why was this realization so last minute) & i told him no worries i can pay for everything. he told me no way i could ever let a girl pay, it’s not fair to the girl and also “emasculating” to him. hate that attitude. called it off and cut contact. thank u, next.
So I hit this guy up on Insta, and we’ve been chatting for the past few days, calling and video calling and all that. Tonight he’s taking me out to dinner; just a date, nothing more. I talk to my parents about everything, and they told me to observe his behavior but keep an open mind.
Someone who has been having adult relationships for 15 years is going to be able to convince somebody with 0 years of adult relationships of whatever they want. Whether you feel happy or loved, eventually that power imbalance has a high chance of causing serious problems for you that you couldn’t have seen coming.
Do it if you want, but go into it knowing that you are probably just a toy and probably won’t know until you are set up for a really bad time when you finally see all the things you are currently blind to.
If you need an analogy, think about having a cooking competition between a beginner and a 15 year professional. The beginner probably has no idea how hard they are about to get smoked if they are thinking about their opponent as just another person who likes to cook.
😳☝️👇🛑🚨💅🥀
I consider myself an old man at this point being the right old age of 43 and I think older men creeping on little girls, and I’m sorry but I consider girls under 30 little girls, gross.
They don’t have to be “little girls” for you to feel they’re too young. I’m close to your age, and prefer a much tighter age gap than most, (I’d be okay with mid 30s, with a little wiggle room depending on the person) but I don’t think of 20 somethings as little girls. That just feels gross thinking that way.
Not saying that’s how you meant it, but they’re not “girls” in their 20s. They’re young women. It gives infantilizing.
The young side of what you consider appropriate shouldn’t be the end of “little girl” age.
I’m 40 (1985). I’ve had my experiences with older guys hitting on me when I was your age. I can tell you that, in my experience, the reason why men like that won’t date in their own age group is because women their age see the red flags more clearly or won’t put up with their bullshit.
Here are some things he might do to look out for: Does he try to impress you with things that are achievements for your age group but should be normal for his? Having a car, having their own apartment, having money to take you out etc. Maybe he’ll offer to drive you places or stay at his place to get away from your parents.
Does he comment a lot on your age and experience level. Things like “Have you already done (alcohol, sex…)”, “I’ve done XYZ, but you wouldn’t know about it”. Or does he act overly impressed by you ‘already’ knowing something, like music from his teenage years, having a job or just some common knowledge he thinks is “adult”, maybe about cars or jobs. Basically, does he act like you are special, more mature for your age or does he talk about your age a lot.
Even if he doesn’t do any of these things, I’d advice you against it. The age gap is too big. The world of an 18 year old who just got out of school is just very different from a 33 year old who is working a job. Having a few hobbies or music taste in common isn’t the same as being in the same place in life.
the reason why men like that won’t date in their own age group is because women their age see the red flags more clearly or won’t put up with their bullshit.
Definitely not why an older guy dates a young girl imo.
Women in their early 30s want babies ASAP (at least that was my experience on dating apps back before I was married and long before 40.) Older people generally have more mental health issues from all the trauma of life, plus by 30s they’ve been through a bad relationship or two… which makes everything more complicated with baggage.
Younger people have more energy, more libido, are more open to experience, do not have the baggage and trauma… Nobody had any problems when I was dating a woman who was about 50 when I was in my 20s. The sex was great and her libido was wild. She had her shit figured out and was very patient with me and a wonderful partner for the time we spent together… but she was dating 18 year olds before she met me.
There’s obviously the whole looks thing too.
I’m in my 40s, if I got a divorce for some reason there’s no way i’d get back into a serious relationship. I’d want something casual and fun. I would probably be going for someone late 20s/early 30s who didn’t want kids though because I like people who have an idea of who they really are.
the date isn’t happening anymore. he texted me asking if we could change the venue as he realized he can’t really afford that restaurant at the moment (???, why was this realization so last minute) & i told him no worries i can pay for everything. he told me no way i could ever let a girl pay, it’s not fair to the girl and also “emasculating” to him. hate that attitude. called it off and cut contact. thank u, next.
“emasculating” to him.
I guess it was kind of him to just hand you the giant 🚩instead of making you do any guess work.
He’s almost twice your age and can’t afford to pay for dinner while you can?
Yiiiiikes.
call me old, but a 33 yr old going on a date with a 18 yr old… yea, red flag
How does a 30-something even find something to share with a 18-year old? What could there even be in such a relationship apart from the obvious domination?
93 was only 10 yea… oh my god.
33/2 + 7 = 23.5
That’s a no
So, you’re 18 and he is 33?
It’s said if you divide your age by 2 and add 7 you roughly get the youngest age you can date. That would be 23,5. Personally, I’ve come to the believe any gap of 10 years or more is too much. Your just in too different parts of your life. There is often a bad power balance and simply different needs.
Go on the date, have fun, but I wouldn’t get serious.
yeah
i’m just exploring
People born in 2008 are 18 💀💀
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Some people are also consciously or subconsciously looking for a younger partner, because they will put up with their bullshit, while someone more experienced would not. Definitely look out for that, but it’s hard to tell in the beginning.
Or maybe the older and more experienced are overly needy when selecting partner and red flag just about anything that isn’t precisely in their preferences. Younger tend to be more fluid.
Yeah, it’s hard to know without meeting that other person. Maybe they’ve dated a ton of people in their own age group and are just having no luck whatsoever other than meeting walking red flags. So they’re aiming for a younger person who hasn’t been screwed up in life yet. I know plenty of people In their 30s, who are so screwed up, you wouldn’t want to date them. So I would advise the original poster to go in with their eyes open, but have fun. There are plenty of people who have bigger Age gaps than that and they’re very happy. we really shouldn’t be calling the other person, a pedophile or a creep without having ever met them. I literally the only thing we know about the other person is they’re going out on a date with somebody.
Personally, I would’ve preferred to aimed for somebody who was 23 instead of 18. That five years could make quite a difference, but I’m also not going to judge because at 18 they’re an adult they can do what they want. And i recognize at 18 your brain is still developing. Then again there are people whose age is 45 and the brain is still developing. There are people who are age 38 who are so toxic you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near them, you probably don’t even want to live next to them in the next house over.
Now that’s one mature comment.
Best thing to do is to go and see for oneself.
Age per se is no flag. Behaviour is the real thing.
I once looked at some dating apps such as tinder. The lists from 30-50 of what they are searching for was in general like external qualities and for personal traits something that simply do not exist. Only those who could mask themselves, could meet the expectstions. I quickly removed myself.
If there is a possibility to meet person, use it.
Age per se is no flag
there’s a huge difference between a 30 yr old and 45 yr old dating, and a 30 yr old dating a 15 yr old-- even though the 15 year age gap is the same
a 33 year old trying to get with a 18 year old is sus af, and i’ll die on that hill
Yeah.
I was talking about legslly adults, not minors. Within that bracket age trivial.
call the shit off. there are plenty of not-pedophiles 25 or under for you to date
i guess i can see that most guys your age are childish/inexperienced, and that’s the appeal of “older” men. but let me tell you something (as a guy well over 45): if a dude hasn’t grown up by 25, then they’re not going to grow up. yea, there’s definitely a “type” of 30+ yr old dude who wants to hook up with teenagers, and i’d advise you against it.
be careful with this one-- above all, stay in public, cover your drink
JFC. Pedophiles are people who rape children.
These are two consenting adults. ADULTS. What fucking use is adulthood if your every action is judged as if you are still a child?
So, let’s keep things in perspective. Yes, there is a power imbalance when the age gap is almost 50%. No, this is not even close to pedophilia. Yes, she should reconsider dating an older man or take things very slow. No, he is not a rapist. No, she is not a child.
Can we please not demean the horrors of child sexual abuse by conflating it with two concenting adults going on a date, even if you find the age gap icky.
please tell me exactly what part of my comment conflates anything with child sexual abuse
The part where you call someone going on a date with an 18 year old a paedophile.
do you have kids? are you totally cool with your daughter going out with someone who’s closer to your age than to hers? the fact that so many people in here are cheering on this person over 30 hooking up with someone under 20 is really fucked up to me
I don’t see anyone cheering. I see people debating the ethics and morality of the situation.
Your feelings about your daughter are valid. You are more than welcome to use every tool at your disposal to ensure that she doesn’t date older men. This is expected; you are there to protect her. But don’t expect everyone to feel the same way. Many younger women look for an older, financially stable man. Many older men are willing to enter long-term committed relationships and financially provide for a younger woman.
If you want your daughter to avoid this situation, make sure she’s well-educated and independent. Instead of coddling her, challenge her to achieve her goals and excel in her field.
You may be shocked to learn that there are positions available between loving the idea of your adult daughter going on a date with someone 10 years older than her and screaming “pedo!” at them.
bruh that’s such a huge red flag, honestly i’m confused if this post is genuine or bait…
With that big of an age gap, what do you folks even have in common to talk about??
we talk about life, interests, hobbies, politics, small talk, random stuff; the basics, everything and anything. haven’t felt a gap in terms of communication
It seems that you are seeking dangerous behaviors on purpose. Don’t do that.
What? No, too big a gap.
Everyone’s concerned about the gap… No one has asked where he’s taking you
Obviously don’t give the exact restaurant but is it a chain? a lovely little bistro? independent restaurant?
Or somewhere wank like Cafe Rouge
it’s a nice restaurant part of a 4 star hotel. i suggested it as i’ve eaten there many times before and i know the food and experience is bomb
Well, good luck, have fun, don’t die
It’s a bit big age gap. But as long as you don’t get yourself killed and learn from the experience you’ll be fine in the end.
It’s kind of a sliding scale. Add 10 or 20 years to both ages, and the gap becomes less of A Thing. As you both mature (yes, you keep maturing into and past your 30s), the gap between “adolescent” and “adult” gets smaller and smaller. It can actually happen pretty quickly depending on how “worldly” the people in question are. No offense but while the law might consider the 18-yo an adult, that’s still a kid. And before anyone asks, I wouldn’t have too many issues with a 20-25 yo person looking to date an 18-yo. Not zero issues, but waaay fewer than this situation.
OP, if you’re just having fun go for it; but look out for yourself, and listen to words of caution. Plenty of 18-yo college freshmen have dated professors and come out just fine. At some point, the age gap will probably play a part in ending it, at least this time. There’s nothing saying you two don’t remain friends and return to a second relationship after you’ve experienced your wild 20s!
