After multiple years of merely surviving, I am faced with the problem of how to start living again. I’m really struggling with the dimensionality of the problem, and I am wondering how y’all would approach this. My aim with this question is not just to receive advice relevant to my situation, but to discuss more generally different approaches to this problem.
I only realised how bad things had become when I moved home. I know that I have more stuff than I need, but because I feel like I’ve been living mostly on autopilot, regular decluttering heuristics haven’t been helpful; if I get rid of everything I haven’t used in X time, then I’d get rid of most things I own. Even before I moved, there was a feedback loop where when I needed to use an item, it was never where I expected it to be, so I never used it. Then the more that this happened, the more that stuff would be boxed away, out of sight out of mind. In the past, I’ve found it useful to put away items in the first place I looked for them, but that doesn’t work for items that I don’t know how to begin searching for them; I don’t have much in the way of categories, so I often end up rummaging in boxes of assorted objects.
Part of this problem is that I definitely need to buy some more storage furniture, like shelves or drawers, but it’s hard to do that if I don’t know how many different categories there are, or how large they are. Sometimes it’s possible to come at the organisation from the opposite direction and say “given the storage available to me, what items do I need and how should I arrange them?”, but I have so much of a blank slate that I don’t know where to start. It’s like trying to solve the equation “a + b + c = 20”: there are too many unknowns and I get swamped by all the possibilities. I’m good at solving problems when I’m given a set of constraints and a goal, but I’m overwhelmed by having to devise the constraints and goals from scratch. I tried to start with building a baseline and carving out spaces or categories for the things I currently use, but my current baseline is so low that I complete that task quite quickly, and it only emphasises that my life, as it is now, is not enough for me.
I know that I need to ground my approach in the life that I want to lead, so that I can start making progress towards it. However, if I build systems intended to be used by the ideal version of me, I will end up with something that is incompatible with the current, emotionally broken version of me. These two versions of me are in tension with each other, and the overarching challenge is finding a route from one to the other. I don’t know where to start though. I feel like I should be interrogating myself about what I actually want, but I feel ill-equipped to answer that question after many months of deprioritising my hopes or wants because of struggling to survive. I feel scared to want anything, because there are so many unknowns that I don’t have a sense of what’s possible. An added complexity is that I am autistic, and thus really struggle without a routine. With so much uncertainty, I am feeling unanchored, and the basics of survival are taking up so much of my executive function and burning me out. Structure begets structure for people like me, but it’s hard to crystallise some certainty if you don’t have anything to build around.
So please tell me if you have experienced this kind of unanchored-ness, and what helped you to move past it? If you’ve ever had to build your life and your space from scratch, how did you tackle the problem of carving out categories? I imagine that if you have faced this problem, that it may be something you grapple with on an ongoing basis rather than solving outright. If so, how did you manage to continue living a life that was in construction (I find that partly built systems can fall apart due to regular life demands pulling your attention and effort away before you’ve routinized the new thing). What advice have you found helpful in the past?
I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was nearly done with college and a lot of what I just read felt very familiar.
You said you wanted general advice so I will try to keep this broad:
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! You don’t need to see the end from the beginning to know that walking forward will get you nearer to your goal. When you try to look at the whole project or list of projects at once it’s going to feel overwhelming. That’s not going to change. You just have to get comfortable with it and learn to keep moving forward even if you can’t rationalize your way through everything at once.
If it’s worth doing at all, it’s worth doing poorly. You said you want more storage furniture but you can’t get it yet because you don’t know how much stuff you have to store. Well I think you should go out and get some shelves anyway. Even if it isn’t the exact amount of storage you need, it’s still worth doing because it’s still better than nothing and it still gets you closer to your goal. If you find you need more later then get more later. Your stuff is also variable. Things are bound to come and go while you figure this out. It’s okay to work on being “better” knowing it still won’t be “perfect”
Forget about the ideal life you want to lead. That part is a daydream. It’s a fairytale we tell ourselves for a variety of reasons. What is real is what is now and that’s where you should start grounding yourself. Build systems that work for you today and get you closer to where you want to be. If you want to change those systems later because they don’t serve you anymore then go ahead. That’s okay. Like I mentioned earlier, if it’s worth doing then it’s worth doing poorly. Don’t try to just jump in to your ideal life. That is just setting yourself up for failure. Build systems that work for you now but better. If you need to rebuild those systems later because your needs changed then that’s okay. In fact it’s great because it shows how much you have grown.
If you are open to reading suggestions, there is a book called Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey (both are M.D. s) about ADHD. I’m not trying to diagnose you or anything but this book changed my life. If you feel like I used to (and it sounds like you might) then this book might be helpful to you, ADHD or not.
that’s fine if it works for you but it does definitely not work for everybody, in fact it can do more harm than good for some people.
the textbook example to this is called “dissociation” and if often affects rape victims. it is essentially the opposite of living-in-the-moment, i.e. trying to see everything as if it was very far away, because that protects against the fact that you simply cannot accept things the way that they are today.
I really don’t know how to interpret this… Grounding in the here-and-now is bad for people who dissociate? But that doesn’t make sense, please explain: What do you mean?
dissociation happens as a defensive mechanism because the subconsciousness can’t deal with what it sees as the here-and-now. so it tries to take a lot of distance from the here-and-now, and that leads to dissociation. it happens especially when people are in difficult times, and trying to forcibly experience the here-and-now can people to be overwhelmed and experience too much stress, which can lead to stress-related symptoms such as heartburn, circulatory problems, and emotional dysregulation. overall, dissociation is a protective mechanism that happens naturally and is valuable overall. people shouldn’t force themselves to live in the here-and-now.
I still dont see how that’s relevant to the comment you replied to in the context of this thread.
I do have a diagnosis of ADHD (I should have probably mentioned that in the post).
The problem is that I don’t think there are any systems that work for me today, in the sense that I am so deeply unfulfilled with my life at present that trying to build around me as I am now just leads to a sense of stagnation that really harms my morale. I think the key part of the above snippet is the “and get you closer to where you want to be”, and that’s the million dollar question.
I’ll check out the book you recommended, thanks.
I can seriously relate to that feeling of hopeless unfulfilment. I struggle with slipping into and out of that place myself. What I find helps the most are little things. Small acts of self care that, over time, help me reach out again and grasp the belief that I can change things. Whatever you do and wherever you go, it has to start with the belief that things can get better, even if you don’t see how.
Just focus on little things. Improve your life in small controllable ways. Don’t worry about big problems or permanent solutions. Living well is all about momentum. You start building steam one coal at a time.